Wednesday, May 23, 2012

The heart of attachment

 I trust you with my vulnerability. 

This is the heart of the matter of attachment: I trust you with my vulnerability. I show you all of  who I am: The worst of me and the best of me; the part of me without a mask.

I trust that when I show you this, you will not repel. You will not look away. You will not pretend that I didn't just show you and keep on with other conversation.

I trust that you will not respond to me with harshness or with criticism. When I am vulnerable with my feelings I trust that you will not tell me I should "get over it" or my feelings are wrong. Feelings can't be wrong, but they can be dismissed and that hurts.

I trust that you will not take for granted this part of me that I am sharing with you. I trust that you won't be careless or reckless with this delicate part of me. 

I trust that you will listen and that you will do your best to say that you understand. Or in those times that you don't understand what I am saying, you will simply say: I'm here for you. I will listen and I will be with you. 

When I show you who I am or when I express my feelings or my needs, I am sharing my vulnerability with you. I want you to know that when I do this, I am offering a gift and not a problem. 

I don't mean to be an inconvenience. Maybe I am 92 years old and I am wondering if my concerns will be deemed as unworthy and dismissed as dementia. Maybe I am 2 months old crying alone wondering when I will be held again. I don't want to be a nuisance or a headache. I am trying to tell you who I am and I am sharing with you all of who I am.

I love you. I am attached to you. I am connected to you. All of this means: I trust you with my vulnerability. Hold it carefully and appreciate the gift as it is given.

Does it always look so soft? No. Sometimes I am lashing out- afraid of trusting. Sometimes I am yelling or criticizing or throwing a tantrum. Sometimes I am fearful that you cannot hold this gift I offer gently and so I start right off with a fight or with blame. I am ashamed that when I show you all of who I am, you will reject it and so I try to make it something to be repelled or rejected. Sometimes my fear of this delicate vulnerability that I hold is so great, it looks like I am angry with you. But I am not angry. I am afraid. Anger is only the cover. Really underneath the anger and the tantrum is the fear of my vulnerability being rejected. That you will see all of who I am- those moments of weakness- and you will reject me.

Please understand that at the heart of my connection to you; at the heart of my attachment to you is the yearning to trust you with my vulnerability.

Show me how I can be and not be afraid. Show me how I can share with you this innermost part of attachment/ connection/ love and trust you with all of who I am-- trust you with my vulnerability.

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